Top 11 Self-Reflection Questions for Years End
I've been feeling like answering some questions to reflect on my 2008, so here are some questions I've found and decided to answer.

These were taken from this website: BlogHer

1. What worked in my life this past year? What did not work?
My financial stability has worked out pretty well this year. It started with getting a job at my favorite restaurant (Noodles&Company), and continuing that job despite just working part time (around 10 hours a week). I'm more responsible with spending my money now as I know when I can spend, how I can spend. I'm happy to see that my bank account has nearly doubled since the beginning of last year. I know how to spend my money wisely, so that I'm not stingy on certain things that would cost me in terms of the fun things like how I was raised (my parents are very stingy).

I've learned what my limits are, and when to say enough is enough, whether it be hanging out with friends, or spending time alone to study. As a result, I've found a nice balance making life enjoyable yet still responsible. I've had fun this year compared to most. I've managed to finally find a good group of friends who truly understand my need for balance in terms of school as well, who are okay with my sudden disappearance for months due to school. I'm thankful for them for being so understanding, and not giving up on me by still asking me if I want to hang out with them, even if it's to go out to dinner or something as simple as that. I've also come to acknowledge that I don't need a reason to go hang out with friends as I can just go over and hang out with them just because.

What most definitely didn't work was my study habits, and how I continue to procrastinate and do what I have officially declared as "binge studying." It gets me passing grades, but I fear that I need to work harder and not blow off my classes. I'm smarter than my grades reveal, it's just because I'm too lazy or I'm too distracted to really put down all of my efforts for school. I know I should do it, I'm almost done. I'm hoping these last two semesters of college I can pull straight A's again. I'm going to try really hard this time, finding a good balance.

Another thing that didn't work with me this year would be this stupid laptop and the Internet, it's the reason why I'm always so distracted. The fact that school requires  you to go online to do some of the assignments annoys me because it gets me all distracted as me + web browser = endless hours of distraction. But I think I've figured out a solution to this as I've created a separate account on my laptop labeled "productivity" where there's absolutely nothing on it to distract me. Sure there's still a web browser and everything, but it doesn't have all my bookmarks or anything on it. It doesn't have the games I tend to play. So perhaps it'll be better. If anything. I need to have a stronger control over myself and just get off the stupid computer and do my work. Yea. That should do it. I've been better with the computer thing though, as I've gone out with friends instead of staying on the computer all day.

2. What brought me happiness/disappointment?
I don't think I've ever really experienced true happiness this year as everyday has been the same. I'm not entirely pleased with it, but at the same time they're manageable and bearable. But I must say that this year the times that I've enjoyed myself the most have been when I'm with my friends.

My main disappointment in 2008 has been my mother. Perhaps that work-related accident she had a decade ago on December 31, 1998 caused some Traumatic Brain Injury to her that has been gradually changing her personality for the worse. In May 2008, she got in an argument with my father about something that I don't even really remember anymore considering at the time I was just blocking everything out and focusing on my finals since it was the weekend before my Spring Semester finals. As a result of such arguments, she packed her bags and left the house, saying that she wasn't going to come back. A part of me was wishing that she would stop being so childish, while the other part of me just was glad she was gone. I don't think I ever really thought that I wanted her to come back really with how she's been tearing the family apart over the years. Two days later, she calls me and tells me that she's home now. And she won't leave again. That she won't say that "I would rather be dead" or give me the guilt trip. She still doesn't keep her promises, she has become a workaholic who has only focus on money now, to the point where she cut me off of my monthly allowance simply because my dad mentioned the excessive spending during the month. Sometimes I wish how things would have turned out if she hadn't gotten in that accident 10 years ago when all this mess started. Another reason why she has become a disappointment to me in 2008 is because of her lack of family now a days, she comes home stays up all night goes to bed at 8AM, and wakes up at 2-3PM.. even when she doesn't have work..On the days that she doesn't have work, she just sits there doesn't say anything to anyone as she reads her Vietnamese magazines and watches her Asian dramas. She doesn't eat breakfast, lunch, she doesn't eat it with the family even when we're home. I just wish things were different with her.

3. Where was I successful?
I think I've been most successful with managing my time and my life in 2008. I've managed to do decent in school (pull off some A's), participate in a few extracurricular clubs (Alpha Epsilon Delta - Pre-Health Honor Society, and Vietnamese Student Association), planned a few things (the Tet - Vietnamese New Year's - Cultural Show and the 9 News Health Fair at the Boulder YMCA site), worked (at Noodles&Company! for a full year too!), and took lot more time than I have in the past years to spend with friends (by hanging out after school, eating dinner/lunch, going shopping, etc). All the other years I was rather lopsided I think, as I would just focus on one area of life (mainly school), and forget all about the other things that life requires or is essential to life.

There's still a lot more that I need to work on to improve this balance, by finding time to myself and just myself by doing things that I used to do so often (making websites, maintaining it, writing stories, reading books, etc) but had stopped when I entered college for many reasons. In addition, there's always that aspect of love that I've always been lacking, but I suppose that's what this year is for! Improvements and growing as a person. I hope to be able to incorporate all these things into the balance that I had established in 2008.

4. What were my greatest challenges/lessons?
My greatest challenge this year has been getting past my childhood dreams and deciding that it wasn't worth it to follow through. This entire year I have been struggling with the thought, going from extreme desire to be in medical school, to taking the MCATs, to dealing with kids who have or had cancer. Originally I had been set about becoming a doctor, and then I narrowed it down to becoming a surgeon. I was debating between a orthopedist and a cardiovascular surgeon. But then after Camp Wapiyapi and hearing Tim talk with me about why he wanted to be a Pediatrician, I thought that perhaps working with kids would be better for me because I'm so small in stature. One thought led to another, and talks from Physician Assistants (PA's) I thought that that was what I wanted to do because I started to realize that I wanted to have a family, a family that I never really got to grow up in due to how my family is. I wanted to be able to have my own kids, to take care of them and dote on them, and be there for them when they would need me most. I also wanted to be fair to my patients, and it's hard to juggle things when you want to be 100% there for both your patients and children, when your patients would be children as well. Children need some kind of consistency, especially when they're sick in the case if I were a Pediatrician. I just.. I don't feel that I have the capacity for it really, to balance both worlds without driving myself insane. I want to be able to have time to relax to have fun and not have to worry.

And so, after much debate, I've finally decided that I'm going to go down the Pharmacy route and go into medical research. Sure I could go into it now with my biochemistry degree, but I would get paid an heck of a lot more if I had a Pharmacy degree as well. It's one of those decisions that I'm still very uneasy with simply because this is a sudden change, and the fact that my entire life up until now has been driven by my ambitions to become a doctor. It feels that I'm giving up, perhaps partly it is. Considering I don't want to work at trying to make it all work, because it can happen. It's just it'll take a lot of effort, and it's the sort of effort that I don't have in me.

5. What am I most proud of ? What do I most regret?
I'm proud that I managed to pull through 2008 without getting burnt out. With all the classes I had to take, the studying I had to do, I'm surprised that I made through it all and didn't dwindle down at the end out of exhaustion due to the need of a break. I was in school from January 2008 to the end of May 2008, and I worked a LOT in June 2008, and I took TWO writing classes July to Mid August 2008, and from the end of those classes to the beginning of school, I had to study for my MCAT muchos! and then School started before I really got a break. Because of school on the weekdays and work on the weekends, I never really got to sleep in and rest when I needed to until Thanksgiving break during the weekdays when I didn't have school. This month off for winter break has felt really really nice and it was very much needed. I pulled off with nice grades for the first time in college minus the second semester of freshman year up at Hamilton. So I'm pretty proud of myself with that, and I managed to make it through some of my classes without fail, and worry. I actually spent time to learn the material instead of just glazing over it as I had done before.

What I regret most in 2008 was that I wasn't outgoing enough, didn't present myself in a more confident manner. I still shy myself away from certain things because I'm afraid since it's out of my comfort zone or that it "isn't me." As a result, I feel like I've missed a lot of opportunities.

A huge regret that I have is giving up on my doctor-path, despite the fact that I know that it's better for me this way. For the rest of my life there will always be that "what if" but I know myself better than anyone else, and I'm pretty sure I'd end up lonely without anyone or a life if I went down the doctor route, and that's not something that I'll ever be able to handle. I've had to deal with that more or less for the past 21 years of my life, I don't want to spend the rest of it the same way.

6. What attitudes and actions will I take with me into the new year? Which ones do I want to keep in this year?
I definitely feel that I've grown a lot this past year as I've managed to calmly talk to my parents, stay cool, calm, and rational. I don't cry as much anymore. I also think more positively as well compared to how morbid and pessimistic I've been in the past. I've taken on my responsibilities, or at least I've recognized them now. I've grown to be a better person as well as I do things for what it means rather than for the sake of doing them, or to expect something to be done back towards me.

I suppose I want to keep my unproductively in 2008, as I want to live a fulfilling life that's productive, and milked for what it's worth. I don't want to be a hermit, I don't want to stay lazy and cooped up inside. I want to go out and live life. I don't want to be petty and selfish like my parents say I really am. I'm better than that, and I'm capable of so much more. I want to become a better person, and I want to be more responsible in terms of my family taking on the tasks that I should already be doing but keep coming up with excuses to avoid doing.

I should also add that I want to spend less time on the computer for 2009 as well. I get so distracted sometimes, it's not even funny. The main reason why I really do stay on the Internet is to wait for Rinty to get online so I can role-play with her since it's always so relaxing, and fun at the same time. She and I joke that it's our therapy from our dysfunctional life. There I can fantasize about what a good family is, and how a good upbringing is like, and also how the love of my life is like as well. Considering she's pretty consistent when when she appears online, I should be able to cut out all the computer time before that. It will work out that way. hopefully. starting tomorrow perhaps? Or after I fully recover from being sick, cause there's honestly nothing to do around my house. Eheh.

7. What limiting beliefs did I shift? What negative emotions did I shift?
I've started to believe in myself a whole lot more. I have a heck of a lot more confidence in myself than I did before. I know my worth now, and how that it's okay to think that I'm better than some people due to what I've done, what I've been through, and how I've dealt with life thus far. I've also managed in the past year to not place the blame on my horrendous upbringings anymore. If I keep focusing on the past, I lost track of the present. The present is now, and what I make of it. So instead of saying why I'm like this for something that happened in the past, I'm starting to think about how I can change so my limitations due to past restrictions can be dealt with so i can do the things that I've always wanted to do.

8. When did I follow my intuition?
I guess I've always followed my intuition from when I was little until now. But the most evident and significant example of such case was during the process of choosing to become a doctor. I guess when i was little my parents always wanted me to be a doctor, or at least they joked about it and I internalized it. Perhaps it's not really what I've wanted to do, but I've been brainwashed to think that it is if that makes any sense. I mean, I've always wanted to make my parents proud of me, and what better way than to become a successful doctor?

My lack of motivation to study for the MCAT would have to be a subconscious sign that I didn't want to really become a doctor, otherwise I would have taken it so much seriously like I take everything else that means a lot to me. I know for a fact that I would have done amazing on the MCAT if I had taken it seriously when I took it, I mean heck. I spent 3 weeks studying for Biology, 1 day studying Physics, and less than 3 hours studying Chemistry and Organic Chemistry.. and STILL managed to pull off a 27 which is pretty much average. Though average acceptance score is more like 30. ahaha. I scored EVENLY on all the sections as well so that's got to say something, right??

9. How did I grow, improve, and expand myself?
Well I definitely know that I didn't grow in terms of height or expand in terms of width, considering I've been the same size pretty much since middle school. I feel that how I've truly grown, improved and expanded myself has been stated through all the previous questions thus far. So I suppose I'll just reiterate them here:

I've become a more positive person, who's more confident in herself and values herself more. I've become more generous, and know my responsibilities. I've learned to live life the way that I want to, according to what I believe in. I don't cry so much anymore, and I approach everything calmly with composure. My emotional endurance is so much greater than it has ever been as I'm capable of withstanding everything. What I believe has grown most in 2008 has been my emotional capabilities and my sense of responsibilities. I don't lie to myself anymore (or at least as much), and I've stopped coming up with excuses for everything that goes wrong that's mostly or even partly my fault.

Improvement in my life has been made drastically through my decision to balance my life with everything instead of just focusing on one area blindly with my tunnel vision. As a result, it has made me happier, and made life much more manageable. I feel less stressed than I was before as my friends comfort me more so than my friends as they offer a sort of refuge from all the craziness that can occur around me. With the friends I have right now, especially Patti, I know that they're there for me no matter what. I mean who else tells you to call them when you get home, and when you forget freaks out and even drives to your house to make sure that you made it home safely at 1am?

Exploring the world and taking in as much as I can of it has been the way I've expanded myself this past year. I've allowed myself to trust others, and engage in other worldly affairs. The world doesn't revolve around me. I feel like I've become a much better person now that I've allowed myself to go beyond this little world of me and enter other people's worlds instead of waiting for them to approach me. However, I'm still fairly incompatible with others simply because I'm involved in so much and my schedule is always so chaotic. I'm like a PC program trying to run on a Mac. ahaha.

10. How much love did I share?
Love comes in many different forms. For the love between a man and a woman, I've shared none considering I've never been in a relationship nor have I really felt any feelings towards anyone around me.

Love for family, I think I've shared a lot this year as I've been there for my little brother, more than I've ever been there for him. Supporting him, guiding him, being there for him when he needs me. Essentially being the things that I wish I had had when I was growing up in this dysfunctional family. He's still a bit freaked out about those times where I randomly decide to bear hug him, but he's accepted them as he kinda just stands there and lets me hug him while he verbally protests. He calls me Onee-chan all the time, especially when he comes home from wherever it was. Normally I'm the first one he greets, like today he walks in from being gone all day due to a group project: "Onee-chan!!!!!" and that's his basic greeting towards me. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I've open myself up more towards my family, talking with them more, trying to keep everything together, to at least express each other more and calmly face each other. I want this family to work, but i fear that it may be too late for it all.

In terms of friends, I've been able to let myself be apart of other people's lives showing that they can depend on me as well, and that it isn't a one-sided relationship as my past friendships have been for the most part. I've given with no expectations for anything else to be given to me in return, and I think it puts me in this sort of unconditional love that I've given out I suppose considering Epicurus once said that we originally choose our friends for the benefits that we might gain as those people we've chosen as our friends will help us attain our goals. However, the most fruitful friendships are where our friends' pleasures mean just as much as our own pleasures.

11. What do I want my intention to be for 2009?
I still have to think on this one, so I think I'm done for the night!